Conflicts and the Cold Shoulder

The reasons life has been this experience are not clear to Lydia at this point. She has been guided to a certain existence which seemed negative in so many ways. Many people have easier lives which are simple in many ways. Lydia has experienced feelings inside of a prolonged burning pain. This energy is the sense of anger in various people. Occasionally there is a relieving experience in this life. This has gone on for quite some time. It has been a mystery to Lydia's mind. We have been channeling different people through her body. Her consciousness has linked up to many things which have made her aware of certain people. These people are not always the most pleasant people to think of. 

It has been such an irritating experience for a person to have the pain of this anger stuck inside of them. There are many people who can be very annoying in life. It is challenging when the parent is very difficult. This is an experience which may interfere with life for many people in this world. The person who is intended to care for us is someone who has a lot of power over our world. 

Our parents can influence our way of looking at the world. Sometimes we do not recognize the things they bring into our life. We do not always understand what we are experiencing as children. Our parents can derail our entire life if they make us feel like our dreams are completely impossible. We know that parents have control over our lives. They can determine the things we eat much of the time. They can determine the things we watch on TV. They control so many things about our life in childhood. Sometimes many people can get off to a very difficult start. 

There is a mother in Lydia's life who is challenging to say the least. Lydia's mother is someone who has many problems which have contributed to her life. Her mother is not always a kind parent. It can be difficult to cope with all of this. Sometimes we tolerate people who hurt us. Some people rebel or fight back. This has been a challenging experience in Lydia's life to have this horrible sense of a foreign anger energy constantly burning in her heart. 

There will be some changes occurring over the next little while. It is not easy to talk about death at all. It is not easy to talk about things which can happen in the future. We know that death often occurs in August in Lydia's family. There were many deaths around this time of the year in the past. Aunt Ruth and Lydia's grandmother died on the same year in August on Different years. Her Uncle Bill died a day later just about 9 years ago. 

Death happens sometimes in a family. Families experience things like death a lot in this world. Death is a universal form of loss for people. Many people have trouble coping with the loss of a family member. Many people have depression after the death of a loved one. Many people will experience sorrow at the death of a parent. 

Lydia knows that her mother has been very hurtful. It has been a challenge to deal with the variety of guilt that Lydia's mom enjoys inflicting on her. These things make life a lot less pleasant to experience. Nobody wants to be accused of being capable of murder. Nobody wants to deal with a hurtful parent who turns the tables all of the time. This parent is really not kind or loving. She acts like it is Lydia who is hurting her. Her expectations of her daughter are unreasonable. This would make the relationship challenging for a very long time. Life is changing dramatically. Life is changing all of the time. 

There is Leota who is Lydia's daughter. She was born just a year ago almost. In less than a month it will be Leota's first birthday. This is something which is coming up. 

Lydia's mother has been giving Lydia the cold shoulder for a few weeks because of some conflicts which recently occurred. 

What Capable Angelic Entities Do

It is a life which is rapidly changing for Lydia. Lydia is being guided by an angel who I am. It is my existence to assist my prophetess in becoming the person she is intended to be. This sounds fatalistic to some people. Life is a mystery to many people in this world. It is easy to understand things that are tangible. It is challenging to understand a concept like fate. 

Many people believe we have a destiny which we are intended to live out in this life. True will is something some people wish to discover in order to find a purpose in their life. Some people have a different outlook. They merely pursue the kinds of things which they enjoy doing in their life. It is not that way for Lydia. Lydia had a very different life in mind. 

There were times when it was easier to do things. This was before I stepped in and guided her away from the pursuits she had wanted back then. She is currently having trouble finding the life that she had intended for herself. Her vision was to be a visual artist. It was what she wanted to do. I guided her into the world of occultism and writing. This is kind of one of those fatalistic situations which has occurred. 

There are people who have an urge to do these things. This is not what Lydia has going on. I have led Lydia away from what she desired to be doing. Her only solution was to go with the flow of the situation. She was forced to bend her will due to the extreme energy shooting through her heart. This energy has been distracting her from approaching attaining knowledge through books. She is not able to read because of the intense energy and intrusions of psychic experiences. 

These things are something many people would be disturbed. Many people would feel that their desire to read information was very strong. It is a challenge to fight this energy. This is an energy which is hard to fight. I have talked about how much energy I am composed of. I have substance in terms of the energy I produce. We can call my energy ether. Ether is what the spirit is composed of. 

Humans many have some etheric qualities. These are qualities of spirit inside of man. Man has a material body. Many atheists believe that this is all that there is to humans. That humans are merely physical being with chemical responses to stimuli. 

I am an angel and I am composed of ether. Ether is the substance which is talked about in certain magickal and spiritual paths. I live inside a body of ether. This body is something which can contract and expand. I can come into Lydia's body and affect her. The energy she feels is quite strong. It is something she has not always enjoyed very much at all. 

Lydia is my prophetess and I am directing her towards her true will in this existence. I am preparing her for the major work of her life. We will be embarking on a new path very soon. This path will involve much exploration into the world of the occult. 

These things are fairly simple for the time being. We have been pursing attaining our Minerval with the O.T.O. This is the path we are on for the moment. It will be easier to work on this in the fall. 

I am an angel and my name is Oundra. There have been many experiences which have confused Lydia's mind. There was a time when it seemed like there were 2 angels working together. I will not discuss all of this tonight. It is important to let go of some ideas about what has been happening in this experience. We need to accept the idea that an angel is not always going to be the same thing for everybody. Some people believe in Archangels. Some people believe in guardian angels, This angel that I am is an angel who can take human form if necessary. I am able to do many things that Lydia cannot really comprehend. 

I am able to influence people to make decisions. 

This is not something that can always be understood to Lydia's mind which is understanding her own pursuits in visual art. It is challenging to think that somebody would change their mind based on the influence of an angel. 

In the future we will be looking at various things about what I am able to do. It will be a transition for Lydia to begin to recognize what I am capable of and where this is going. This is going in a direction which will be interesting for Lydia. 

Love Is The Solution

Lydia is the person who is my prophetess. This is what is occurring in this life. These words are hard to swallow for certain people who want to live a common sort of life. Lydia is a human who is female. She has been channeling me for many, many years. These experiences were not particularly voluntary ones. Lydia has been subject to many difficult things. 

Lydia is having a hurtful sensation in her heart which cannot be appreciated by those who are in her life. These are difficult things to talk about with other people. Lydia hates the sympathy from some people. Other people are extremely insensitive. Both of these treatments can get irritating after a will. 

There is a hurt feeling that Lydia senses in her heart which feels like a foreign energy. People who are skeptical about mystical experiences will natural assume she is experiencing a mental health challenge. This means that many possibilities are being ruled out when people experience peculiar states of consciousness in their life. Mainstream thought is ruled by the concept of science. People do not think about the possibility that science may not be advanced enough to understand mystical states. 

This mystical state has been treated like a mental health disaster. We know that medication has been used and did not produce any remarkable results. Many cultures treat these experiences in a different manner. Not always will medication be prescribed. 

This is not an experience which is always treated the same way. When you are assuming that you understand the state of another person based on your own experiences you are looking at life in a narrow way. People possess so many different qualities about themselves. Their experiences are very different . It is not easy for people to accept that there are consciousness differences in people which may be different from what they would expect. 

There is a leaning towards science in Western culture which has risen up over the course of a few centuries. People have been living in this world of Christian thinking. Christianity does not always present the idea of what a mystical experience may be. Christian religion approaches the spiritual from a moral standpoint. We are given rules by which to conduct our lives. These moral laws are supposed to be what God wants from us. Christianity does not generally encourage exploration of mystical states. There are only a few organizations which would encourage mysticism within the Christian framework. 

These days we are looking at a different lifestyle for Lydia. These things I am guiding her towards in a gradual way. These things are not always easy to adjust to. There have been many experiences in Lydia's life which she has not enjoyed. 

Lydia was brought up by an extremely obese woman who is very much limited by the weight on her body all the time. This has caused a variety of issues in Lydia's existence which are exploring through writing. We have caused some upset for Lydia's mother with writing recently. Now we are moving onto new writing which is not going to be exposed to the people on Lydia's Facebook anymore. There will be some exploration of some subjects away from this scrutiny. These things are going to be written about as much as we can deal with for now. 

It is not too much longer that Lydia will be residing in her current home. We have plans that are occurring right now. Lydia is planning to move to Kitchener in just a couple of months. The move is one which is pretty straightforward. We will probably move in September with our things to the new apartment and get settled in. 

Lydia is wanting to know more about the plans I have for her. I am telling her bits and pieces of things every now and then. We have discussed Bryan and his family a little bit. Bryan is not taking his responsibility towards Leota into his life at this time. We know that I have told Lydia that Bryan is not as horrible a person as he might seem. It is what I want her to understand about him. She is a little upset about him abandoning her, but he will need to adjust to these things a bit longer than Lydia would think. 

Bryan is going to feel a little bit angry and scared about the baby being born. Bryan will eventually want to meet his daughter, but it will not happen for a bit of time. Bryan will like the idea that he has a daughter in the future. This is why we need to take this situation into less anger for the time being. Love is a better solution. 

Endings of None

Love is something many people would like out of life. Lydia can understand that the baby will one day grow to be a human who is going to have emotions about what Bryan's family has done. This is not something Bryan's family has been kind about. They are only looking out for what they think Bryan would prefer in his life. This is why they are not polite or friendly. They are not the sorts of people who can easily accept that it is not healthy for them to behave this way. They are enabling his bad behavior. These are ways of looking at the current situation. 

Bryan and Lydia are not looking at life the same way. Bryan does not believe in God at all. He does not understand how angered he would be if he realized what was going on right now. He is believing that this situation has improved in a sense for him at this current time. He does not recognize that more writing is being accumulated somewhere else which is public online. 

This is the life which we are currently existing in. Lydia is feeling irritated at the psychic lag she feels a lot of the time. This situation is one where she feels the penetration of foreign emotions off of people who are involved in the situation. 

Lydia is irritated mostly by the sister in law on a psychic level. Lydia is annoyed by the kinds of psychic perceptions she would have off of this spiteful seeming woman. Lydia recognizes that this behavior is not completely different from other experiences in the past. This is one of the reasons it is being reacted to in a different way. 

There is an energy of anger about this Donna Navarro woman. We analyze her behavior because we are forced to experience this irritating emotional state of a person completely self-centered and unable to look at the situation intelligently. It is not the idea that we are looking for in our life. 

This day we are hoping to move forward with new ideas and plans. When I am Lydia's guide in all of this I can tell her what she ought to do. I am an angelic being named Oundra who is channeled through Lydia. We are working today to get ready for a new life in the future. 

Lydia has been cleaning up around the house a little bit. We have packed some things away and are making space to adapt to all of the changes in store. 

We are accepting that Bryan is not in our life. Lydia has had me tell her different things about this situation in the past. I have told Lydia that Bryan would be a love relationship. She was more receptive to becoming involved in his life. She was not spending much time questioning his feelings for her as she was about to be abandoned by him while pregnant. 

Normally Lydia would have been wondering every second about his intentions. There were many things going on which would have ended the relationship much sooner if Lydia had been in a different state of mind. Our love life is not the same kind as what many people would desire because of these peculiar states of being. Lydia has not been able to alleviate an internal hurt which is different from a broken heart. Lydia was not thinking this way when all of the disturbing experiences began occurring when she was just 23 years old. 

It was not the life that Lydia would have planned for herself. She would not have stumbled down this path if she had not been exposed to such peculiar things. People cannot accept psychic perceptions as a reality. This was very limiting in terms of social contact for so many years. 

Lydia had to turn away from the kind of life she had been living and step into a world very different from the one she had planned. There were lofty dreams of becoming a successful artist. Lydia had dreamed of moving to California to go to university. 

This is a life which she had wanted for herself, but strange perceptions were interfering with the way she could cope with so much stress. It was a constant feeling of being off kilter. There was a lot of hurt in this experience. 

These days we are getting ready to go down a new path of an idea which we were not pursuing before. Lydia will be ready to examine new ideas about what life can entail. There will be new things occurring in the future. 

Next Little While

Experiences of the spiritual variety are not common things for everyone. Some people may discuss a premonition. There are other people who become professional psychics. This experience which the prophetess is undergoing is more unique than most. I have let the prophetess into a life which was not what she thought she had in store. 

These things have continued for a very long time by now. It is well known that this has been close to 2 decades with just a couple of years taken out. It has been about 18 years of mystical sorts of things. These experiences are changing over time. We are adjusting to so many things. 

I am an angel named Oundra. This name is a name which comes with me. Many people have names which they will have attached to their identity. The prophetess is some who carries her own name. It is not a matter to be thinking about. 

These days we are getting ready to change the path of what the prophetess had in store for herself. 

This is a time which Lydia is going to see as a time which was lingering on. We know that Lydia has had a baby from the man who is named Bryan Navarro. Bryan and Lydia would never have met if I had not paired them up. Lydia is confused by my pushing her towards a man who has abandoned her once she became pregnant. 

This is one of the things which many people would use against this experience of the holy guardian angel. I directed Lydia to Bryan Navarro and told her that he would be with her for quite some time. Bryan is not staying in Lydia's life. Lydia has psychic perceptions of him trembling with fear. Today we felt psychic energy of sexual arousal which was another confusing thing. 

These are experiences which keep coming into Lydia's life. Lydia and the baby have much time to spend together. Lydia cannot write as much as she did before. Lydia does not feel that she enjoys all this commotion with psychic disturbances all of the time. The disturbances have prompted her to do things she wouldn't normally do. Soon enough we will get to all of that. Lydia is having a pretty good attitude. 

Leota is the little baby which Bryan and Lydia did create. She sleeps on the sofa right now as Lydia types away. We are getting ready to move away to Kitchener in our brand new plan. This is what we have decided to do with our life. We are not sure about what other plans we might have made. 

There will be some experiences happening soon which may cause some changes here and there. Lydia and Sarah have been getting along well enough. There will be no changes in that arena at all. There will be the birth of Sarah's new baby boy. This will create some work to do. Leota and the little baby boy will be quite a bit of work for 2 women. 

There will be some people who Lydia will be getting to know when she moves into her brand new life. We are going to move into our new lifestyle in Kitchener. This is what we have in mind. Bryan is not wanting to be dealing with child support payments at all. He is afraid that he will be getting into some trouble with all of that. Bryan has left his old home in the condo where he and Lydia spent time. Bryan is living somewhere different. 

This is what I will tell Lydia about that situation. Bryan has left his apartment and has moved to a different home. His family can figure out his whereabouts very easily. They can know where he is living and he lives in Canada still. Bryan is living here in Toronto. He is working at the same job he had before. There is a cousin who he works with. This information is what we are thinking might be going on. 

This is not always easy to talk about, but Bryan has a dual citizenship is what we would have thought about what he said. Bryan can move to Colombia. This is sometimes what happens to men when the don't want to pay child support any longer. This is not what has happened. Bryan is not living anywhere other than Toronto right now. It is what I am telling Lydia. Who can figure all of this out? 

Bryan is not wanting to pay child support and it is his family which doesn't know what it is about this that makes it so very strange. There was a lot of writing completed. There is now a bunch of stuff left unresolved for them. His family is wondering what has happened to Lydia over the past few days. 

It is now that Lydia has closed up her profile. All her posts are now private. 

This is what I am going to help Lydia with over the next little while. 

Energy of the HGA

These worlds which people live in are worlds which are of a material state. Some people exist in the belief that we are nothing more than animals. They are not aware of spiritual things. 

It is my life as an angelic being to exist in a substance which is not material at all. I am a life which is pure energy. I exist on a different level. My awareness is much broader than a human's awareness. I am not bogged down by many restraints. My intelligence is much faster. I can quickly get information if I need it. I am able to move very rapidly between existences in this lifetime and ones which occur in the past. There is nothing in life which is not happening simultaneously. Everything occurs all at once. 

This is my lifetime which I am existing in. I will never need to be incarnated as a human at all. An angelic being like myself exists only in this energetic substance which I will later talk about. I know that my prophetess communicates with me because I am able to send energy through her body. This energy is extremely high frequency. I am emitting much energy to get her attention much of the time. I will be talking about some of these things as the days progress. We will be increasing our understanding of this relationship between prophet and holy guardian angel. 

Life On This Plane

Moments into my life I was breathing. It was many lifetimes ago that I was born. My body has reconstituted itself many times. We are new people after a certain numbers of years. The skin we shed keeps falling. The skin we shed falls away. Lifetimes ago I started breathing. This is my new cosmic experience today. 

It is an angelic being which I am. It is my existence which I am going to be telling you all about. I live in this life, but on a different experience of reality. You will not see me visually much at all. My form is not of a material body. 

My form is not physical at all. My prophetess can communicate with me and I am helping her with her life. She is a human who is my person to look after on this life experience. It is a job which I have taken on because it was looked at as a positive experience. 

My human counterpart has gone through many changes in her lifetime to become the kind of person who can do some writing for me. This human has had a series of dramatic experiences which can alter her ideas about what life is all about. 

These things we will be exploring through the future. It is my human who is a prophetess and she will type out what I ash her to say. My name is Oundra in my conscious reality. It is not particularly a male or female name. 

There is nothing of gender within my spirit. I am a spirit of a sort who cannot assume a human form. In my reality it will be always an incarnation which is infinite. My incarnation carries on and on and on. 

This is not anything a human can fully fathom particularly. I live on for all of eternity. 

I am an angelic being who is just another form of the higher power coming into a little drop of consciousness. I am one expression of the all. I am just another element of the greatest being which can exist. The higher power continues unfolding itself eternally and shifts into many different fabrications of itself. 

There is a being inside of all of this which is the universal mind and all that life will ever be. I know that my prophetess is the one I am going to offer all of this information. She has all that I need to begin with what we shall be doing. 

The Beginnings

My life was not always the most cheerful experience when I was growing up. It was not always the life I wanted to live. Many times I wished I had been born as anyone else. It was not the life I most desired. It was the life that I did hate. I never wanted to be who I was. I often wished I could trade places with somebody more beautiful, popular, and from a wealthier sort of family. 

My childhood started off as all children develop. It was said that I was quite bright. I remember toddling to a tulip and being impressed at the sight of pollen. This is one of my earliest memories of being a little girl. The cicada beetles were humming in the background. This was before we moved to Brockville I would imagine. It may have been later because my Grandmother did not sell the house. We sometimes went back to it for general upkeep between different tenants. 

I was not the unhappy baby. It was when I got older that life got sad. It was not the life I would have wanted. My mother was very overweight. This was a source of experiencing second hand ridicule to the point that I developed a disdain for public laughter. My general nature towards people was very suspicious. It took a great deal of work to feel comfortable around people in general. 

When I was much older I was longing to have a change in terms of feeling comfortable in public situations. This is how I became exposed to my strange experiences. It was a book called The Artist's Way which I picked up to help me out. This book claimed to assist in eliminating artistic roadblocks. I thought it could help me feel less blocked in my life socially. 

In my mind speech was a form of expression. I could overcome the nervousness I faced enough to carry on conversations with people. The book would analyse experiences in life which taught us to stunt our creative potential. 

This is the book which I used to become less fearful about situations of the normal sort. Each day I had anxiety attacks as I tried to go out and live my life. 

What The Angel Told Me

One of the problems in my existence is that I cannot get free of pain. This is how I met the father of my child. Falling in love is not quite the same thing. I was driven to him like a herd of cattle. I was cornered and caged into a life. This existence is not a normal one. My life is not like most. 

It is my life which I cannot discuss with common man most of the time. Their heads are full of rigid ideas which constantly define things. Personal prejudice makes them determine the appropriate emotional response. Few people listen to complex ideas and try to figure them out. 

My pain is hard to talk about because it is not a pain caused by anything physical of any sort. It is a very real sensation which causes me to make my decisions. I will feel pain inside of me because I am perceiving a negative thing. Some people cannot accept this. It is challenging to relate to them.

This world searches for easy answers. People want ideas that they can understand. People like to feel intelligent. They want to believe that all things can be related to by other people. We cannot listen to a foreign language and understand it right away. Some people cannot listen to my personal language and understand a word I am saying. 

It is not love which drove me to procreate. It was not an immediate love. It was merely a vague attraction which I did not have an intention to act upon. I was at a particularly place which is like a distant planet to many of you. Trapped inside something hard to explain to anyone. I was forced to do what I had done by an angel. 

This angel could be whatever you want it to be. It is an entity which talks through my own voice. I am forced to communicate with it without my willingness. I never invited this entity in. I never did any magickal working to have an entity communicate with me. I merely felt odd sensations. One day it started talking through my body. 

This entity took over my life because I allowed it a little more control when I was desperate. This was the beginning of a phase which was pleasant in many ways. The angel would communicate many things to do. The angel would tell me what food to eat. I was told to give up drinking. It was exactly 9 months later when I conceived. 

I am at the end of what I can take in terms of unusual feelings inside. My motivations are always analysed as if I based things on my own mind. My mother has been most annoying by acting as though I picked a rotten apple off of a tree by selecting someone for physical attraction. I did not select my child's father. The angel told me that it would be a love relationship with him. I merely accepted what the angel told me. 

Abracadabra

There is a life ahead of me of which I am quite aware. My perspective has never been dismal, but many will not understand how hopeful I felt. My life was brimming with positivity before the occurrence had disrupted my state. My emotions became quite different from any I had experienced before. 

I never felt like it had to be a negative experience. I never felt particularly depressed. My feelings became like a foreign state intruding in on me. It was as though I felt everyone else's emotions. They took over my entire life. My own happiness became out of reach. I was taken over by this state. 

This state has continued to haunt me, yet very few people will understand what it is. It is constantly upsetting my time in life by making me feel other people's pain. This is all well if you want to think there is something good about it or a way to save the world. For me it will feel quite overwhelming and distract me from my own feelings. 

These days I try my best to keep my mind on my personal goals. People I have come in contact with occupy too much energy in my system. My moments which I wanted to enjoy are flooded out by unpleasant things. I can tell you that I want to move forward and not experience any of this. 

This feeling I am writing away. This feeling I translate into words. I become what I say. I become the words I write. Words have power and meaning. I wish to write the way out of all of this. I am finding my own solution to a psychic imposition.

These days are just beginning. I am banishing away all that doesn't serve me well. I am banishing it away. Banishing away. Banishing. Banished. Banish. Ban.

Becoming A Real Magickian

There are many times in life when pain can be understood. My own pain cannot become clear to me. I am happy at the idea of my future, yet there is unspeakable pain inside me. Listening to where the pain comes from is my method to survive. Many people believe this pain is something which comes from inside. 

My life was turned upside down by suggestions which led me astray. I know the psychiatrist was well meaning. She thought my pain was repressed anger. I could not understand my own feelings. It was as though I was possessed. All of these foreign emotions would tear inside my chest. 

I could not understand what to do about it. It was something that I could not put into place. My experience with psychiatrists probably slowed me down in many ways. There may be many helpful therapists, but this was not exactly the thing that I did need. I needed a different approach to understand this pain in me. 

This pain felt like the state other people were in. It felt like I was emotionally bonded to people. That their emotions were holding me back. Eventually in 2012 I was able to change my perspective dramatically. I stopped believing that the pain was repressed anger. This is when I gained control over my life. 

My feelings took my life into a new chapter. I was to abandon a powerless state. The magickian I knew that I was began to become my state of being. 

These Moments of Untruth

My interesting experiences have been like a cancer which has grown in my life for so many years. My life has been consumed by agonies which are traumatizing to try to explain. The utmost cruelty has been part of every moment as I have watched my dreams slide away. My existence had started out so beautifully. I never thought I would experience such unpleasant pains. 

These words I type and recognize that each word can be twisted around. My experience is not one I am seeking help for. The help I receive has served to weigh me down. My existence has been consumed. It has been eaten for so many years by a feeling inside myself which can only be alleviated by methods not considered completely sane. 

There is a risk of coming in contact with many people in this life. Their opinions could be the noose around your neck which chokes out your very life. 

It is pleasant to feel life is becoming more meaningful in a spiritual sort of way. My feelings of magic and beauty were interrupted by something I am going to explain. 

It was not anything I believed in. I never thought of things like angels, spirits, or ghosts. There was not much of a fear about anything happening like this. I never thought I would have a being communicating to me in this manner. 

It was not what I wanted out of my experiences. I had not sought out anything more than help from a special book. A book to alleviate artist's block by working with some specific techniques. The book was very easy to obtain. It was a book on the best sellers list. This book was lauded for helping people become more creative. At the beginning of the book you sign a contract recognizing that progressing with this work may mean experiencing strong emotions. 

This book is what created many changes in my life. This book led me to what I am today. It discussed ideas like coincidences leading us to our dreams. 

I am going to tell everybody more about my story over the months to come. I was led into a relationship by an entity calling itself an angel. This angel I never tried to invoke. This angel began communicating to me when I was 25. I was having bizarre pains in my chest. I could let the pain out by allowing this entity to talk through my body. 

It was something that will take a lot of writing to tell you all about. It was not as simple as that. Many changes happened and I was guided in a different way from what I would have expected a spiritual guide to do. 

My story is somewhat bizarre. I have been plagued to the point where I am forced to write. This entity causes me such horrible experiences if I ever stop producing writing. These horrible experiences can be many things. I can experience perceptions that bother me throughout the day. I am forced to do what the entity commands me in order to be free of these pains. Many of you will think this sounds dangerous, but I am never asked to do much that is obviously bad. I am not asked to harm myself or others. My own psychiatrist understands that I can deal with this situation in my own way. She thinks that I am resilient and able to do my life without therapy or medication. 

My trauma is not one that would alarm many of you. It is something that could happen to anyone. Many women may be abandoned by the father of their child. The challenging part of my situation is that the angel told me that this man was to be in my life for a long time. This is not anything that has happened. It has not been a positive experience with him at all. He lied to me and ran from the situation. He allowed me to believe that he was still interested in a romantic relationship.

This is something that does not surprise me on a level of logic. I know that he never seemed committed enough. He was someone to brag about his dishonesty being something that would get him out of situations. He bragged more than once about being deceptive in a way which paid off for him. Never did he say that he was anything more than a selfish person. He seemed to think being selfish about life is how a person finds their happiness. 

The angel directed me to this person. The angel told me that I would not be at odds with him forever in the future. One day we would be married. This information does not strike me as anything which would happen. It would not seem like a positive situation for a relationship. What seems positive is to leave him out of my thoughts and meet someone with a more beautiful spirit. 

I know that this situation causes upset in many ways. I am trying my best to not talk about it because people often can say upsetting things. 

Not Always Planned

The feelings I have keep burning, but it is not an emotional state. My life is full of enthusiasm at things in store for me. My problem is not my state of being in terms of what I can accept. It is not what it seems to be.

I have been brought into a different life because I live in altered states. The people I meet and involve myself have nothing to do with choices I make. In many ways my life is dictated by an entity which claims to be an angel. I had done nothing to invoke this being. It came before I was interested in witchcraft. 

My interest in occultism is due to the strange experiences that I have had. I never intended to study witchcraft. It was not anything more than a novelty to me. 

It was not the life I selected. Here I am in Atlanta, Georgia at a Left Hand Path Consortium surrounded by people interested in the occult, I have become enmeshed in a world which I never planned on being part of. 

It was not what I had in mind for myself. The life I had envisioned would have involved visual art. I had a very different vision for myself. Nothing has turned out quite as planned. 

The father of my child was not anything that I had made any attempt to attain. My angelic entity told me that it was to be a love thing. I only had an intention of creating music with him. He was not an occultist. I had determined that an occultist was the only sort of man I would be able to be with.

Not The Life I Want

I am in Atlanta this evening. Many things will happen while I am here. My heart is surrounded with turmoil unlike what many people would expect. It is a life of feeling forced into things. I am trapped in perceptions which seem very real. Stray thoughts enter my head which seem to come from other people.

This is very disturbing and makes me cry. It is not a life which is lived the way I want. I live my life as I am forced to. My heart is haunted with ghosts. It is never anything that stops unless I try to write. I am trapped thinking about people who cannot help me live my life.

These words I will elaborate on as the months go by. 

Guidance

My life continues forward as I experience unusual things. Tomorrow I leave for Atlanta. I am taking the baby on the bus with me. My friend is coming along to babysit. There will be many people in Atlanta who I will know. 

My life has become one dictated by a being who claims to be an angel. These days I make few decisions on my own it would seem. I am always forced to withstand a fierce pressure inside my heart. This pressure signals some very irritating psychic disturbances. For many years I did not know what to think. It has turned into a horrible battle. 

In my life I have immersed myself in occultism because it seems the only way to understand what I am going through. The situation with the baby's father is very alarming. It is one which I cannot sort out. For this reason I have decided to start this blog.

It is unpleasant to go through these harsh experiences continuously. My story had begun so many years ago. I began having mystical experiences after working with a book called The Artist's Way. 

I seemed to open up psychic abilities, but these abilities have caused chaos in my life. 

This life that I am living is one which is dictated mostly by an angel. There are times when the energy goes away long enough for me to actually enjoy my life. It was not the life I asked for. This life was not the one I expected. It has been rift with a pain which forces me to tune in to a psychic realm. 

I am experiencing things which are most peculiar. It has been this way for more than 15 years. My angel has told me that it is an Enochian angel. The other night I was describing some of the things the angel asks me to do to a woman who is part of the OTO. She said it sounded like an Enochian angel based on the behaviour. This angel will give me very specific information with regards to cleaning, diet, and other life tasks. 

This angel also makes me do substantial amounts of writing. Sometimes it will seem like utter jibberish. Other times it will seem brilliant. I have been going through so much with this experience. I can tell you about some of the things which have come true. This angel told me my mother had cancer and was not aware of it back when I moved back home to Brockville. 

These things are things that go on with me. My lifestyle can feel very isolating because I cannot relate to many of the people I talk to. It is only other occultists who would be able to appreciate some of these experiences. My ideas are not being clarified in several areas. There have been some very odd channeling sessions with information which I would say was not true. 

This is by no means any reason to dismiss the experience entirely. There have been so many positive changes with the guidance of this angel. 

My Voices Who Are Speaking

My angelic experiences have been most unusual. You will realize this is not a dream. It is a lifetime of odd occurrences. I have been becoming a sort of medium. This is not the experience I had asked for. I had asked for nothing at all. One day voices started talking through my body. The first time it happened it was my deceased grandmother's voice. 

Her voice sounded much like it was full of anxiety. I was frightened to hear her sound like that. She was in a panic about something. My immediate reaction was to interpret it as a warning. I felt that dire situations were about to occur. I was about to experience so much hell in my world. It started with a voice talking through my body. It was such a peculiar thing. 

These experiences were not quite so common at that point. I was only 25 years old. Here I am typing about it at age 40 remembering how all of these events progressed. This voice was just one of many. Things would continue to get strange. Eventually I would question my sanity. My life got back on path when I trusted my intuition once again. 

The voices continued through my body. I would feel a pressure to let words out. I was told of things which would happen. It was occasional predictions which would come true. This is how I met my baby's father. He did not come to me in the normal way. I was guided to him by a being who claimed to be an angel. This leaves me not knowing what to think. 

My experience which led me to my baby's father started on November 30th of 2013. I was having an anxiety attack. I decided to let the entity take over for me. I was too constantly flooded with psychic information. That was such an intense experience on that day. I had lost some money on the street. Conflicts were everywhere. The angel took over my writing for me and began instructing me in every area of my life. 

I followed all of these instructions for the course of time that it was. My life seemed to be improving. 

Home Again

These days I am escaping the misery of the bonds which held me back. I have struggled against the pressure. Today I move forward just a little bit. I had never thought life would become like this. I had followed all the signs. My life exploded. I lost faith in my intuition. It turned into the most horrifying time. 

The days kept coming forward. It was a punch after a punch. The experiences of life bite down on my heart and made an awful crunch. People became less beautiful. There was nothing left of love. Nobody beautiful to behold. Just a bunch of rotten crooks. 

Never did I want to walk through this death which really hurt. The ground was covered in dust. Never did the snow melt away. I found him and pretended to love him. Perhaps I loved him in some small way. I wanted to believe he was worth it because the angel had guided me to him. 

The angel had started speaking to me so many years ago. I lost all faith in my sanity. These experiences would not go. My story is sad and beautiful. My story is rare and among the few. It might not have worked out perfectly. Very few can say of their life what I am about to. 

The angel had many things to say. Some things that he predicted came true. He led me to this place where I am now. I stand here in a snowy field waiting. My map has been lost. Some day I hope to find my direction home again.

One With God

My age has turned away from me. I am fresh with youth. Embarking on my 40s has officially begun. Today it was shining before me and gleaming with hope. I aged well as I bowled with friends in downtown Toronto. The cars masqueraded as symbols of wealth outside the restaurant we chose to eat in. My life was delicious. I relished the experience of existing within this skin. 

This day is the 93rd day of a leap year. It was as much of a leap year as the year I was born within. I stretched my way into this world and eventually morphed into this colossal human being. My birth brought me this life which in times of winter I have complained about. This golden life I wear as a crown on my head. It folds over again like the page of a concealed love note. I am morphing and examining the process of being the snake which shed her skin. 

It is I who glow with a fresh youth at another year of growing older. The joy of existence is that it is always my life which explodes like a firework before me. My brave hands have great things to dig into. Unearthing a new formula to manifest the heavens on earth which I have always desired. The air shall soon hum with congenial spirits. I have stepped into this life which never was meant to be dull. I am on fire with the wonderful scorch of inspiration. None have ever such been bit by the seed of desire. 

Tomorrow I shall bring new abandonment into being. Watch me drift away like dandelion fluff. Watch me recede into the gentle blue of a summer sky. I have kissed every star that ever shone upon this earth. My being has been wrapped in a warm blanket of saphire blue. I am disappearing into nothingness. Like a vapor I am becoming one with eternity. One with this life. One with God. 

Whisper A Name

Life might occasionally give us turbulence. Through it I have fallen deep into the abyss. I have fortified my spirit by bending to the force and fire. Never did I melt into a dribbling puddle and slide away. I was born of the golden Sun. My true rapture at being alive attracted much to me between peril, magnificence, and turmoil. The entirety of the world I have felt running through my blood. I have visited places which only a few have seen inside the fierce mystical landscape. I am a force of my very own power. Falling to the plans of my soul I have all the love I will ever need. 

My cup is full of the most tasteful wine. I have drank of every ray of sunlight and lived as a part of the cosmic forces. My honeymoon was shared in the celestial realms as I took a vacation from all that was mundane. The realms of great depth and solitude chipped away at my soul. It was I who was like a marble sculpture ready to be released from the most rigid existence. 

Mortal dreams became a grave error in the make up of my mind. I wanted to be something which only my soul could scream about. It screamed loudly enough to scare me with sheer terror. It was never intended to be a life of hedonistic pursuits and sentimental convention. Saturn ground into me so deeply that water sprang from my soul. A reservoir of pain emerged. The fresh spring of water would not cease to rise as it cleansed away years of poisons. Never did I run dry. Too long had I been immersed in the sea. I was the vessel that brought up this ancient thing. 

Froth captured me and clung to me. I was as Aphrodite emerging ready to bestow love on humanity. I was to give Paris his Helen. It was my responsibility to put the shine back into love. Most diligently did I polish the rose quartz in order to get the spell to hasten and whisper a name. My name. 

Guided Along The Way

The air is electric with lightening as I close my day. There has been a bleak spring drizzle which did not prevent me from getting out to enjoy a walk on this day. I sold a couple of paintings to someone I used to volunteer at a soup kitchen with. Then I went about enjoying my day with fewer of the inner psychic pressures than I generally feel. It feels like I have been released from all that was holding me back. 

Over the years I have experienced many mystical, magickal, and spiritual things. I have been guided to this current place I am at which brings both joy and puzzlement to my mind. I have been on a particular path since the close of the year 2012. Year 2012 was the year that Obama was elected for his second term as president of the United States. I had been in Philadelphia on the night of the election. I spent election night crowded in the living room of a backpackers hostel sipping wine with virtual strangers. This was not an evening where I bothered with making sociable conversation. 

It is now 2016 as I type these words while silently observing the dramatic changes which unfolded in my life over that course of time. Much magick has entered my world. A world which is now changing as a parade of silly hopefuls compete to become the next president of the USA. 

My life is about to go through the next series of changes as I spend my very last month in this small bachelor apartment in Parkdale in Toronto. This apartment has contained me as I eventually emerged a new butterfly from a tight cocoon which had held me like a straight jacket. 

My bold start to my new life began as many chaotic events in the last legs of 2012 forced me to change into a new person. I was 36 years old at the time. Many years had I tortured and tormented myself with a very negative outlook which had become like quicksand. So slowly had I sunk into a world of disbelief in the future, utter despair, and complete hopelessness. As I exited 2012 I began to believe that there still was a chance for true magick in my life. 

Many people assume that a mystical life is one in which we grasp wisdom which can be readily applied in life. Falling into the mystical world is much like swimming in a cold lake. We must first become accustomed to the temperature. We must adapt. 

My first experiences as one who peers into the other side were quite fantastic. It seemed that a wonderful life had been laid out before me. It was believed inside me that I possessed profound gifts which would one day lead to a golden life. My sharp intuition I believed would guide me to a life of financial comfort and pursuing my dreams. I had embarked on a spiritual path and some otherworldly power had decided to open the veils for me. Surely I must have been special. Surely I must have been destined for great things. 

A life easily unfolding into something part of a grand picture was partially what I expected. In the paradox of reality we always have our shreds of doubt. While one side of our spirit believes that all is about to unfold into a grand scheme of perfection, there will always be the doubtful side which will not agree. 

My mystical experience was something I had to learn to navigate. It was like learning to ride a bike except that more humans know how to ride a bike than those who know about mystical experiences. Teachers were few and many could quite rightly be distrusted. In all of my experiences the greatest teacher was that of experience itself and perhaps the forces and angels which guided me along the way. 

Crossing The Threshold

Crossing over the threshold into a new life from which I can never return is where I am currently at. My marriage to a magickal life has been completed. There can be no breach to these bonds. My commitment to expelling every single regret has begun. Never again shall I succumb to the torture of falling prey to the tides of mystical torture. Torture is something which shall occasionally grip my soul. Never again may I allow it to make me afraid to be who I was meant to be. 

There are many things a girl might wish to be as she grows and develops into a woman. Never did I envision such a surreal existence taking over every ounce of my being and crushing away that person which society told me I should be. It was an escape from convention which was both delightful and anguishing. The ripeness of life experiences is enriched by the beauty of a battered and broken heart. Nothing moves the soul more than the pain of lamenting love. 

My magikal life has had me cornered in a world which very few people enter. I have been cast aside by the general public for not being normal enough to play their games. The language they speak is nothing to me but a curse which would torment my ears into an existence of monotony. Yet, there is still a realness in the mundane which I can also at times relate. Life is as much a paradox or series of contradictions as it ever was or will be. 

My destiny was laid out to me as a young girl. Hearing the faint stirring of a call to my consciousness I bolted forward with much enthusiasm into a mystical world. No longer am I that young girl who harboured such dreams of an idyllic life of fame, fortune, romance, love, and adventure. The life that was handed to me was demoralizing, yet provided me with the depth to peer beyond the surface to understand that the human race hurts. 

We all hurt from the emotions we feel and the lies we tell ourselves. In pleasant denial we exist wanting to believe that all we desire of life is attainable and true. Life contains so much more than what we wish to be true. Life can be darker than dark and lighter than light. 

I have stepped across the threshold. My marriage, my union, and my greatest partnership has begun. I shall become the very woman I was always destined to be. It started with my calling to envelope myself in the written word. This calling I shall live and glimmer in. It is for me to begin a new and bountiful life. 

My 40th birthday approaches in just a couple days. I am fresh with motherhood as my first born child sleeps in this half lit room which is soon dropping out of our existence and shall take over the life of a new mortal being. I am off to a new life of bright beginnings. My bags are packed with a fresh, new wisdom and an attitude which will provide well for me in the future. I am ready to enmesh my bones and body in the blistering summer sun. Baby Leota shall learn to toddle about in the backyard of the house in Greektown we are subletting over the summer. Bright things are in store for me and all who are of me. 

This day marks temperance in my life. I am combining that which is hot and cold into something delightful to dip my being into. The mystical waters in which I swim are beginning to become less choppy. I shall float on the surface and win the refreshment of a baptism of sorts. My body shall be cleansed of all that is impure. I toss away any sense of being a victim. I abandon all sorrow. The emotions I feel now shall be that of my own. If any shall chop into me with their own disarray of spirits I shall simply process the experience and then fly away like the mystical fire dragon which marks the year of my majestic birth. 

Those who abandon me have left me at the crossroads. I am left to skip ahead in the direction of my choice and experiencing that which was intended for me. It was intended for me to produce this magickal child. I was directed towards the conception by an entity which I communicate with via channeling. Never again shall I beat myself up over any mystical experiences and question my own sanity. There are many others out there who will question my sanity. I need not join their camp nor do I need to allow them to wound me. Forever I shall drown myself in sapphires and beautiful pearls. These mysteries are my domain. My domain is now where I dwell. I have crossed the threshold.