The Beginnings

My life was not always the most cheerful experience when I was growing up. It was not always the life I wanted to live. Many times I wished I had been born as anyone else. It was not the life I most desired. It was the life that I did hate. I never wanted to be who I was. I often wished I could trade places with somebody more beautiful, popular, and from a wealthier sort of family. 

My childhood started off as all children develop. It was said that I was quite bright. I remember toddling to a tulip and being impressed at the sight of pollen. This is one of my earliest memories of being a little girl. The cicada beetles were humming in the background. This was before we moved to Brockville I would imagine. It may have been later because my Grandmother did not sell the house. We sometimes went back to it for general upkeep between different tenants. 

I was not the unhappy baby. It was when I got older that life got sad. It was not the life I would have wanted. My mother was very overweight. This was a source of experiencing second hand ridicule to the point that I developed a disdain for public laughter. My general nature towards people was very suspicious. It took a great deal of work to feel comfortable around people in general. 

When I was much older I was longing to have a change in terms of feeling comfortable in public situations. This is how I became exposed to my strange experiences. It was a book called The Artist's Way which I picked up to help me out. This book claimed to assist in eliminating artistic roadblocks. I thought it could help me feel less blocked in my life socially. 

In my mind speech was a form of expression. I could overcome the nervousness I faced enough to carry on conversations with people. The book would analyse experiences in life which taught us to stunt our creative potential. 

This is the book which I used to become less fearful about situations of the normal sort. Each day I had anxiety attacks as I tried to go out and live my life. 

What The Angel Told Me

One of the problems in my existence is that I cannot get free of pain. This is how I met the father of my child. Falling in love is not quite the same thing. I was driven to him like a herd of cattle. I was cornered and caged into a life. This existence is not a normal one. My life is not like most. 

It is my life which I cannot discuss with common man most of the time. Their heads are full of rigid ideas which constantly define things. Personal prejudice makes them determine the appropriate emotional response. Few people listen to complex ideas and try to figure them out. 

My pain is hard to talk about because it is not a pain caused by anything physical of any sort. It is a very real sensation which causes me to make my decisions. I will feel pain inside of me because I am perceiving a negative thing. Some people cannot accept this. It is challenging to relate to them.

This world searches for easy answers. People want ideas that they can understand. People like to feel intelligent. They want to believe that all things can be related to by other people. We cannot listen to a foreign language and understand it right away. Some people cannot listen to my personal language and understand a word I am saying. 

It is not love which drove me to procreate. It was not an immediate love. It was merely a vague attraction which I did not have an intention to act upon. I was at a particularly place which is like a distant planet to many of you. Trapped inside something hard to explain to anyone. I was forced to do what I had done by an angel. 

This angel could be whatever you want it to be. It is an entity which talks through my own voice. I am forced to communicate with it without my willingness. I never invited this entity in. I never did any magickal working to have an entity communicate with me. I merely felt odd sensations. One day it started talking through my body. 

This entity took over my life because I allowed it a little more control when I was desperate. This was the beginning of a phase which was pleasant in many ways. The angel would communicate many things to do. The angel would tell me what food to eat. I was told to give up drinking. It was exactly 9 months later when I conceived. 

I am at the end of what I can take in terms of unusual feelings inside. My motivations are always analysed as if I based things on my own mind. My mother has been most annoying by acting as though I picked a rotten apple off of a tree by selecting someone for physical attraction. I did not select my child's father. The angel told me that it would be a love relationship with him. I merely accepted what the angel told me. 

Abracadabra

There is a life ahead of me of which I am quite aware. My perspective has never been dismal, but many will not understand how hopeful I felt. My life was brimming with positivity before the occurrence had disrupted my state. My emotions became quite different from any I had experienced before. 

I never felt like it had to be a negative experience. I never felt particularly depressed. My feelings became like a foreign state intruding in on me. It was as though I felt everyone else's emotions. They took over my entire life. My own happiness became out of reach. I was taken over by this state. 

This state has continued to haunt me, yet very few people will understand what it is. It is constantly upsetting my time in life by making me feel other people's pain. This is all well if you want to think there is something good about it or a way to save the world. For me it will feel quite overwhelming and distract me from my own feelings. 

These days I try my best to keep my mind on my personal goals. People I have come in contact with occupy too much energy in my system. My moments which I wanted to enjoy are flooded out by unpleasant things. I can tell you that I want to move forward and not experience any of this. 

This feeling I am writing away. This feeling I translate into words. I become what I say. I become the words I write. Words have power and meaning. I wish to write the way out of all of this. I am finding my own solution to a psychic imposition.

These days are just beginning. I am banishing away all that doesn't serve me well. I am banishing it away. Banishing away. Banishing. Banished. Banish. Ban.

Becoming A Real Magickian

There are many times in life when pain can be understood. My own pain cannot become clear to me. I am happy at the idea of my future, yet there is unspeakable pain inside me. Listening to where the pain comes from is my method to survive. Many people believe this pain is something which comes from inside. 

My life was turned upside down by suggestions which led me astray. I know the psychiatrist was well meaning. She thought my pain was repressed anger. I could not understand my own feelings. It was as though I was possessed. All of these foreign emotions would tear inside my chest. 

I could not understand what to do about it. It was something that I could not put into place. My experience with psychiatrists probably slowed me down in many ways. There may be many helpful therapists, but this was not exactly the thing that I did need. I needed a different approach to understand this pain in me. 

This pain felt like the state other people were in. It felt like I was emotionally bonded to people. That their emotions were holding me back. Eventually in 2012 I was able to change my perspective dramatically. I stopped believing that the pain was repressed anger. This is when I gained control over my life. 

My feelings took my life into a new chapter. I was to abandon a powerless state. The magickian I knew that I was began to become my state of being. 

These Moments of Untruth

My interesting experiences have been like a cancer which has grown in my life for so many years. My life has been consumed by agonies which are traumatizing to try to explain. The utmost cruelty has been part of every moment as I have watched my dreams slide away. My existence had started out so beautifully. I never thought I would experience such unpleasant pains. 

These words I type and recognize that each word can be twisted around. My experience is not one I am seeking help for. The help I receive has served to weigh me down. My existence has been consumed. It has been eaten for so many years by a feeling inside myself which can only be alleviated by methods not considered completely sane. 

There is a risk of coming in contact with many people in this life. Their opinions could be the noose around your neck which chokes out your very life. 

It is pleasant to feel life is becoming more meaningful in a spiritual sort of way. My feelings of magic and beauty were interrupted by something I am going to explain. 

It was not anything I believed in. I never thought of things like angels, spirits, or ghosts. There was not much of a fear about anything happening like this. I never thought I would have a being communicating to me in this manner. 

It was not what I wanted out of my experiences. I had not sought out anything more than help from a special book. A book to alleviate artist's block by working with some specific techniques. The book was very easy to obtain. It was a book on the best sellers list. This book was lauded for helping people become more creative. At the beginning of the book you sign a contract recognizing that progressing with this work may mean experiencing strong emotions. 

This book is what created many changes in my life. This book led me to what I am today. It discussed ideas like coincidences leading us to our dreams. 

I am going to tell everybody more about my story over the months to come. I was led into a relationship by an entity calling itself an angel. This angel I never tried to invoke. This angel began communicating to me when I was 25. I was having bizarre pains in my chest. I could let the pain out by allowing this entity to talk through my body. 

It was something that will take a lot of writing to tell you all about. It was not as simple as that. Many changes happened and I was guided in a different way from what I would have expected a spiritual guide to do. 

My story is somewhat bizarre. I have been plagued to the point where I am forced to write. This entity causes me such horrible experiences if I ever stop producing writing. These horrible experiences can be many things. I can experience perceptions that bother me throughout the day. I am forced to do what the entity commands me in order to be free of these pains. Many of you will think this sounds dangerous, but I am never asked to do much that is obviously bad. I am not asked to harm myself or others. My own psychiatrist understands that I can deal with this situation in my own way. She thinks that I am resilient and able to do my life without therapy or medication. 

My trauma is not one that would alarm many of you. It is something that could happen to anyone. Many women may be abandoned by the father of their child. The challenging part of my situation is that the angel told me that this man was to be in my life for a long time. This is not anything that has happened. It has not been a positive experience with him at all. He lied to me and ran from the situation. He allowed me to believe that he was still interested in a romantic relationship.

This is something that does not surprise me on a level of logic. I know that he never seemed committed enough. He was someone to brag about his dishonesty being something that would get him out of situations. He bragged more than once about being deceptive in a way which paid off for him. Never did he say that he was anything more than a selfish person. He seemed to think being selfish about life is how a person finds their happiness. 

The angel directed me to this person. The angel told me that I would not be at odds with him forever in the future. One day we would be married. This information does not strike me as anything which would happen. It would not seem like a positive situation for a relationship. What seems positive is to leave him out of my thoughts and meet someone with a more beautiful spirit. 

I know that this situation causes upset in many ways. I am trying my best to not talk about it because people often can say upsetting things. 

Not Always Planned

The feelings I have keep burning, but it is not an emotional state. My life is full of enthusiasm at things in store for me. My problem is not my state of being in terms of what I can accept. It is not what it seems to be.

I have been brought into a different life because I live in altered states. The people I meet and involve myself have nothing to do with choices I make. In many ways my life is dictated by an entity which claims to be an angel. I had done nothing to invoke this being. It came before I was interested in witchcraft. 

My interest in occultism is due to the strange experiences that I have had. I never intended to study witchcraft. It was not anything more than a novelty to me. 

It was not the life I selected. Here I am in Atlanta, Georgia at a Left Hand Path Consortium surrounded by people interested in the occult, I have become enmeshed in a world which I never planned on being part of. 

It was not what I had in mind for myself. The life I had envisioned would have involved visual art. I had a very different vision for myself. Nothing has turned out quite as planned. 

The father of my child was not anything that I had made any attempt to attain. My angelic entity told me that it was to be a love thing. I only had an intention of creating music with him. He was not an occultist. I had determined that an occultist was the only sort of man I would be able to be with.

Not The Life I Want

I am in Atlanta this evening. Many things will happen while I am here. My heart is surrounded with turmoil unlike what many people would expect. It is a life of feeling forced into things. I am trapped in perceptions which seem very real. Stray thoughts enter my head which seem to come from other people.

This is very disturbing and makes me cry. It is not a life which is lived the way I want. I live my life as I am forced to. My heart is haunted with ghosts. It is never anything that stops unless I try to write. I am trapped thinking about people who cannot help me live my life.

These words I will elaborate on as the months go by. 

Guidance

My life continues forward as I experience unusual things. Tomorrow I leave for Atlanta. I am taking the baby on the bus with me. My friend is coming along to babysit. There will be many people in Atlanta who I will know. 

My life has become one dictated by a being who claims to be an angel. These days I make few decisions on my own it would seem. I am always forced to withstand a fierce pressure inside my heart. This pressure signals some very irritating psychic disturbances. For many years I did not know what to think. It has turned into a horrible battle. 

In my life I have immersed myself in occultism because it seems the only way to understand what I am going through. The situation with the baby's father is very alarming. It is one which I cannot sort out. For this reason I have decided to start this blog.

It is unpleasant to go through these harsh experiences continuously. My story had begun so many years ago. I began having mystical experiences after working with a book called The Artist's Way. 

I seemed to open up psychic abilities, but these abilities have caused chaos in my life. 

This life that I am living is one which is dictated mostly by an angel. There are times when the energy goes away long enough for me to actually enjoy my life. It was not the life I asked for. This life was not the one I expected. It has been rift with a pain which forces me to tune in to a psychic realm. 

I am experiencing things which are most peculiar. It has been this way for more than 15 years. My angel has told me that it is an Enochian angel. The other night I was describing some of the things the angel asks me to do to a woman who is part of the OTO. She said it sounded like an Enochian angel based on the behaviour. This angel will give me very specific information with regards to cleaning, diet, and other life tasks. 

This angel also makes me do substantial amounts of writing. Sometimes it will seem like utter jibberish. Other times it will seem brilliant. I have been going through so much with this experience. I can tell you about some of the things which have come true. This angel told me my mother had cancer and was not aware of it back when I moved back home to Brockville. 

These things are things that go on with me. My lifestyle can feel very isolating because I cannot relate to many of the people I talk to. It is only other occultists who would be able to appreciate some of these experiences. My ideas are not being clarified in several areas. There have been some very odd channeling sessions with information which I would say was not true. 

This is by no means any reason to dismiss the experience entirely. There have been so many positive changes with the guidance of this angel. 

My Voices Who Are Speaking

My angelic experiences have been most unusual. You will realize this is not a dream. It is a lifetime of odd occurrences. I have been becoming a sort of medium. This is not the experience I had asked for. I had asked for nothing at all. One day voices started talking through my body. The first time it happened it was my deceased grandmother's voice. 

Her voice sounded much like it was full of anxiety. I was frightened to hear her sound like that. She was in a panic about something. My immediate reaction was to interpret it as a warning. I felt that dire situations were about to occur. I was about to experience so much hell in my world. It started with a voice talking through my body. It was such a peculiar thing. 

These experiences were not quite so common at that point. I was only 25 years old. Here I am typing about it at age 40 remembering how all of these events progressed. This voice was just one of many. Things would continue to get strange. Eventually I would question my sanity. My life got back on path when I trusted my intuition once again. 

The voices continued through my body. I would feel a pressure to let words out. I was told of things which would happen. It was occasional predictions which would come true. This is how I met my baby's father. He did not come to me in the normal way. I was guided to him by a being who claimed to be an angel. This leaves me not knowing what to think. 

My experience which led me to my baby's father started on November 30th of 2013. I was having an anxiety attack. I decided to let the entity take over for me. I was too constantly flooded with psychic information. That was such an intense experience on that day. I had lost some money on the street. Conflicts were everywhere. The angel took over my writing for me and began instructing me in every area of my life. 

I followed all of these instructions for the course of time that it was. My life seemed to be improving. 

Home Again

These days I am escaping the misery of the bonds which held me back. I have struggled against the pressure. Today I move forward just a little bit. I had never thought life would become like this. I had followed all the signs. My life exploded. I lost faith in my intuition. It turned into the most horrifying time. 

The days kept coming forward. It was a punch after a punch. The experiences of life bite down on my heart and made an awful crunch. People became less beautiful. There was nothing left of love. Nobody beautiful to behold. Just a bunch of rotten crooks. 

Never did I want to walk through this death which really hurt. The ground was covered in dust. Never did the snow melt away. I found him and pretended to love him. Perhaps I loved him in some small way. I wanted to believe he was worth it because the angel had guided me to him. 

The angel had started speaking to me so many years ago. I lost all faith in my sanity. These experiences would not go. My story is sad and beautiful. My story is rare and among the few. It might not have worked out perfectly. Very few can say of their life what I am about to. 

The angel had many things to say. Some things that he predicted came true. He led me to this place where I am now. I stand here in a snowy field waiting. My map has been lost. Some day I hope to find my direction home again.

One With God

My age has turned away from me. I am fresh with youth. Embarking on my 40s has officially begun. Today it was shining before me and gleaming with hope. I aged well as I bowled with friends in downtown Toronto. The cars masqueraded as symbols of wealth outside the restaurant we chose to eat in. My life was delicious. I relished the experience of existing within this skin. 

This day is the 93rd day of a leap year. It was as much of a leap year as the year I was born within. I stretched my way into this world and eventually morphed into this colossal human being. My birth brought me this life which in times of winter I have complained about. This golden life I wear as a crown on my head. It folds over again like the page of a concealed love note. I am morphing and examining the process of being the snake which shed her skin. 

It is I who glow with a fresh youth at another year of growing older. The joy of existence is that it is always my life which explodes like a firework before me. My brave hands have great things to dig into. Unearthing a new formula to manifest the heavens on earth which I have always desired. The air shall soon hum with congenial spirits. I have stepped into this life which never was meant to be dull. I am on fire with the wonderful scorch of inspiration. None have ever such been bit by the seed of desire. 

Tomorrow I shall bring new abandonment into being. Watch me drift away like dandelion fluff. Watch me recede into the gentle blue of a summer sky. I have kissed every star that ever shone upon this earth. My being has been wrapped in a warm blanket of saphire blue. I am disappearing into nothingness. Like a vapor I am becoming one with eternity. One with this life. One with God. 

Whisper A Name

Life might occasionally give us turbulence. Through it I have fallen deep into the abyss. I have fortified my spirit by bending to the force and fire. Never did I melt into a dribbling puddle and slide away. I was born of the golden Sun. My true rapture at being alive attracted much to me between peril, magnificence, and turmoil. The entirety of the world I have felt running through my blood. I have visited places which only a few have seen inside the fierce mystical landscape. I am a force of my very own power. Falling to the plans of my soul I have all the love I will ever need. 

My cup is full of the most tasteful wine. I have drank of every ray of sunlight and lived as a part of the cosmic forces. My honeymoon was shared in the celestial realms as I took a vacation from all that was mundane. The realms of great depth and solitude chipped away at my soul. It was I who was like a marble sculpture ready to be released from the most rigid existence. 

Mortal dreams became a grave error in the make up of my mind. I wanted to be something which only my soul could scream about. It screamed loudly enough to scare me with sheer terror. It was never intended to be a life of hedonistic pursuits and sentimental convention. Saturn ground into me so deeply that water sprang from my soul. A reservoir of pain emerged. The fresh spring of water would not cease to rise as it cleansed away years of poisons. Never did I run dry. Too long had I been immersed in the sea. I was the vessel that brought up this ancient thing. 

Froth captured me and clung to me. I was as Aphrodite emerging ready to bestow love on humanity. I was to give Paris his Helen. It was my responsibility to put the shine back into love. Most diligently did I polish the rose quartz in order to get the spell to hasten and whisper a name. My name.